The Table of Knowlege
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
The Table of Knowledge
In the early Cleveland Texas mornings, the busy talk and gossip at Boyett's Restaurant hits a creshendo through the sips of hot coffee and major teeth marks imprinted on the bisquits and gravey. The ear numbing then tapers off for an hour or two until the process is repeated as the lunch crowd arrives for the buffett. Reunions are formed, gossip is relayed, politics discussed, business deals closed, and most important of all, it is the home of the "Table of Knowledge". As you enter the restaurant, the cashier is on the right and the locally famed table is on the right. Sometimes, it is two or three tables pulled together to accommodate more purveyors of wisdom.
Every weekday morning, at no set time, the Table of Knowledge meets with or without a quorum. The regulars are usually there first. Mr. Squires, a 76 year old retired school superintendant, sits with his back to the cashier. Mr. Squires is always the one that contemplates before he adds to a conversation. When the pipe quickly comes out of his mouth, and he turns the firey bowl of vanilla tobacco to his right, which automatically transforms the mouthpiece into a pointer, he creates an emphasis on what he has to say. Mr. Nettles was about the same age as Mr. Squires and sits to the right of the vanilla pipe with a pearl handled walking cane hanging on the left of the chair back. Mr. Nettles made his fortune in real estate that he aquired from the profits of his mercantile store. To the right of the Mr. Nettles cane, sat Lee Bankston. Lee was in his fifties and was the towns shortest leading independent insurance agent. What he lacked in height was made up of very broad shoulders. I usually sat next to Lee, except on Mondays. Mr. Gary sat next to Lee on Mondays. As you can guess, Mr. Gary was the towns barber. The barber was also a town crier and he usually furnished the gossipy material from which all conversations sprung. Jerri was the waitress that never took a food order from this table. When you sat down at the table, crowd or no crowd, Jerri knew what you were going to order in advance and had it waiting on you by the time you sat down. I remember Jerri's bright red hair and thin build that made her smile even larger. She asked me why I sat at that table and I told her it was my morning entertainment. She grinned and told me that all the waitresses called the "Table of Knowledge" the "Dead Peckers Club". My mixed emotions at that comment flowed with the texture of laughter and embarrassment.
The Sailfish
I remember a particular Monday when Gary showed up wearing army fatigues. He sat down and immediately went into his story only taking time to acknowledge Jerri serving him coffee. Gary said, "Did ya'll hear what happened to Freddie Grishum?" Lee, taking a puff of a generic cigarette, turned to Gary with an inquisitive look and replied, " No, what happened to Freddie?" Gary had everybody's attention. "Well, Freddies brother Harry works at Union Rail Car and his boss asked him to take a ride with him. Harry said yes and they left for Harry's bosses new home. Evidently the bosses wife knew they were coming. When Harry and their boss pulled into the driveway, this short skinny woman was balancing a sailfish with it's tail on the concrete and her holding the monster with both hands keeping it upright. She told Harry's boss that this damned fish was not going into their new house. Harry's boss said fine! He turned and looked at Harry and told him to put the fish in the back of the pick-up. Harry's boss said they would take their trophy cargo to his office where Harry could mount it on his office wall. When they arrived at Union Tank Car, everyone was looking at Harry as he unloaded the mounted memory of a fine day of game fishing for his boss. Harry carried the fish to his bosses office, and to his bosses dissappointment, the fish didn't fit. They tried every way that they knew of and they still couldn't make the large sailfish fit in his office. Finally, Harry's boss said, You want this sailfish?
Harry said enthusiastically that yes he did. The boss told him to take the mounted fish out of his sight. Harry then took the fish and loaded it into his pick-up. When Harry finished his workday, he drove home smiling. Harry had dinner and then loaded the fish into his boat. He drove to the launch and launched his boat in the Trinity River. It was about a fifteen minute boat ride up the muddy river to Freddies favorite trot-line. He took the giant sailfish and fixed a weight to its tail. Then he put the saifish in the water and secured the fish to Freddies trot-line. The weight on the menacing trophy pulled the fish down far enough for its sword to lurk about three feet under the water. Then Harry traveled back to the launch to call Freddie. He told Freddie that he was out in his boat and noticed some activity on Freddies famous trot-line. Freddie said he would be there in 10 minutes. When Freddie arrived, he was excited that he might have a ton of catfish just waiting to be picked up. It was getting dark, and of course Harry made sure that he had weak batteries in both of his onboard flash lights. When they arrived at Freddies fishing spot, Harry said he would he would hold the flashlights and Freddie could take the catfish off the line. They slowly pulled the boat to each hook location and Freddie took a few medium sized catfish off the hooks. Freddie exclaimed that the line felt heavy which meant they had some big catfish on the line. When they had pulled the boat about halfway down the trot-line, Freddie told Harry he needed his help cause he had a big one on the line. Freddie gave a mighty pull, and the mounted swordfish jumped out of the water with the sword jutting past Freddie's head and the big eye-ball of the mount stareing him in the face. Freddie let a yelp of fear as the monster landed in the boat and he landed in the water. Harry was laughing his ass off knowing full well that he had just pulled off the best prank on his brother. Harry reached out for Freddie and Freddie pulled Harry into the water. There was a brief fight, but afterwards they were both laughing. Freddie and Harry now tell everybody how they caught the first sailfish (saltwater) in the Trinity River (fresh water)."
We were all laughing so hard and we had to believe that "Gary the Barber" had given us a tale that would become repeated around the piney woods area over and over until it would become a legend promoted by the "Table of Knowledge".
Home-made Wine and Water Mocassins
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
FUNNY STORIES FROM REDNECKS AND COONASSES
SAILFISH Caught in the Trinity River!
Snakebit on Musquedime Wine!
Anti-Theft Wallet
Cold Noses and Feathers
Wuffledust
Hogtied and Drowning
Outhouse and Tanned Butt
